Hello my friends. I hope that you’re all doing well. You know I missed sharing with you last week. I’ve actually written several blogs in the last week but they just did not feel right at the time. I’ll share them with you another day. This week I’m writing about a Special occasion.
That word special usually brings about thoughts of something good. We ask if there are any drink specials at the restaurant. In my case, I’m hoping to get a Pina Colada for half price. Sometimes there is an appetizer special, buy one get one free. Maybe one of my favorite department stores is having a one day special event sale. You see special can be a good thing, sometimes. However, special can mean not so good too, different. Have you ever heard anyone refer to another person as “special?” They usually do it with a nod and a wink. Well, my special occasion falls into that nod and wink category. It’s my anniversary!
I woke up very early this morning and I was sad. Sad that I couldn’t celebrate my anniversary the way most folks do. As a matter of fact, I decided that I would begin a new tradition. I decided that I will no longer say "Happy Anniversary." That phrase is reserved for happy couples, people who wake up each morning thanking God for each other. From this day forth,when the date of my marriage rolls around I will simply call it Anniversary. I will ask that anyone who chooses to recognize this day should look at me and say "Anniversary." A simple acknowledgement is all that’s needed. No hoopla, no parties. You see this day reminds me of all that I haven’t had, all that I will not have, while in this relationship. When I woke up this morning I was thinking of how I’ve spent 27 years of my life waiting around for someone to care. I thought about how I couldn’t remember if I’ve ever had a Happy Anniversary. I thought about the fact that I may not have another 27 years of marriage…or anything else (I am 52 ya know.)
The past is the past; don’t cry over spilt milk, but what about wasted time. I’m afraid that I’ve wasted my youth wishing for happiness, praying for love. No, my head wasn’t in the clouds. I was just hopeful. I was hopeful that one day I’d awaken to find that he’d appreciate me. Maybe he’d wake up and see that I was and always have been a good wife, mother, and friend. No such luck. Day after day, after day I set myself up for failure; hopeful that one day my kindness would be appreciated. How could he ignore the heart full of feelings that I carried around with me, for him. I guess it really never mattered. At least he never acted like it did.
There will be no flowers, no candy; this year I didn’t even bother with a card. What’s the use in pretending? One would think that after all this time my heart would be hardened to the painful fact that my anniversary isn’t the good ‘special.’ I think that I watch too much TV. You see on TV there is always a dinner by candlelight, coupled with the presentation of a wonderful gift and champagne, followed by a passionate night of love. LOL! So as the younger folks say “It is what it is.” After half the day had passed I called him up at work and said, following my newly created tradition, “Anniversary.” He stumbled over a couple of sorrys, and I told him no big deal.
Really, it truly is no big deal that he forgot something that he really doesn’t care about anyway. I don’t need a perfunctory act of kindness just because. I celebrated my day by listening to music, lamenting my situation, and dancing to some of my favorite tunes. I looked at my 52 year old self in the mirror and I was glad that I was alone at home dancing. Who cares but me? It was just another day and hey, at least I am able to get up and dance. It’s the little things that count, or so I’m told.
I know that I have options, but right now I’m in emotional limbo. No one’s holding me back but me. Yellow lights as far as the eye can see (smile.) Right now happiness is a small mocha frappe from McDonald’s, and guess what? I got it free with a special coupon. The little things, the little things….Until next time, don’t start nothing won’t be nothing. In the words of Mint Condition (I was listening to them as I lamented) “There’s Nothing Left for me to Say.” Later y’all.
