Hi there. Well it’s getting on towards the weekend. I’ve felt a little sluggish today. Hmmmm, why is it that I feel as if I’m breaking some kind of rule when I’m tired? I need a nap, but I don’t like to take naps. It just seems like naps slow me down. Speaking of slowing down, the other day on the way home, I kept catching yellow lights. I simply hate yellow lights; I mean really, I simply hate them. Oh I know that they serve a good purpose, Yellow lights help us to safely transition to a stop. Imagine if there were no yellow lights, folks would be slamming on breaks, rear ending each other, and all kinds of chaos would ensue. I was talking to one of my sisters and she came up with, what she thought ,was a good explanation for my dislike of yellow lights. She believes that to me, yellow lights represent indecision.
She was on the right track, but I’ll take her theory to the next level. I have found that in my life when I’m challenged with something that messes up my flow, I end up unable to progress. Unlike the traffic lights, I don’t just slow down, I stop and can’t seem to get back to “go”. I don’t understand it. I’ll give you an example. Recently I had a piece of equipment to mail back to a previous satellite provider. I got it wrapped and ready to go, and all that I had to do was call Fed Ex for a scheduled pick up. It sat in my living room for a month. For some reason, it seemed that calling Fed Ex was an obstacle (I know, crazy right?) Obstacles don’t just slow me down, but cause me to come to a screeching halt! I start things with good intentions, but obstacles are my kryptonite. The thing is that there are always going to be obstacles in life, but those things shouldn't stop me. Why can’t I keep it going? You know it’s a strange thing. I’m not usually an indecisive person. I can make a good decision without hesitation. Yet sometimes I just can’t get past the yellow light.
Then I wonder if perhaps there are valid reasons for my annoying response to road blocks. Perhaps it has something to do with me being post menopausal (at least I’d like to think it does) Maybe one or more of my medical issues and the medicines that I take to control those issues contribute to this state of mind. And I’m hoping that this isn’t, that I’m not just…Heaven forbid… lazy! All that I can tell you is that this “yellow light fight” that I struggle with leaves me feeling like I’m just not able to catch up. Don’t get me wrong; I do get things done. But when my momentum is going good and something slows me down, I’m left in yellow light purgatory. (Sigh)
I’m getting better. Guess who called Fed Ex and scheduled a pick up? I left the packages on my porch as instructed, and they were gone by noon. It was an effortless task on my part, yet it had slowed me down. I normally get things done…but sometimes I’m mired in indecision. I dislike yellow lights when I’m driving because they cause me to take pause. They make me guess as to whether to stop or go. They slow me down. Yet, it’s alright to slow down, and then to stop for a moment. You see life is full of stopping and going and slowing down. The key however, is to continue to progress.
Well friends, the weekend is just around the corner, and I have lots of things to do around the house. I’ll try not to let the yellow lights slow me down. Is there a yellow light in your life? Is there something that keeps you from moving forward? Remember, it’s ok to slow down; it’s even ok to stop sometimes. Just don’t let the little things keep you down. Look ahead, and keep it moving. Be Safe; and I‘ll be talking to you again soon!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Fifty and Holding: The Parent Pleaser
Hey y’all! I hope that everyone had a great weekend. I was actually quite the social butterfly; I attended two birthday parties. I just had to make sure that I didn’t slip up and mention my um, social engagements to my seventy three year old mom whom I call everyday. She thinks that I’m too old to go to parties. (Oh, BTW, have I mentioned that I am fifty two years old?) She makes me feel bad about doing things that I enjoy. It probably shouldn’t matter that my mom thinks that I should live life the way that she does. Unfortunately, it does matter. I remember as a child how important it was to have the approval of my parents. I recall hearing someone say “be a good little girl.” Think back. Do you remember that great, feeling of joy that made you puff out your chest and smile when your parents praised you? Have you ever disappointed your parents? How did it make you feel? Do you find yourself still seeking your parents’ approval? Well I certainly do!
I guess the problem is that I’m fifty two, and I still feel that pleasing my parents is important. It’s funny; I talked to my sisters and asked them if they feel the same way. It stands to reason that they would because we all grew up in the same family. Yet, they said that they respect our parents, but are not concerned about pleasing them. I’m the oldest child, so somehow this need to please is ingrained in my psyche. Perhaps my parents emphasized those things more with me. Be a good girl, be a good girl, be a good girl. I’ve always wanted so much to be a good girl!
Who doesn’t want to make their parents proud? One of my favorite silly movies is Zoolander. There is a scene in the movie where the main character, Derek Zoolander, a male model, wants to reconnect with his family. His father and brothers are coal miners, manly men. While drinking in a bar after a long day in the mine, they are watching tv when a commercial airs with Derek as a Merman. Others in the bar are laughing and pointing; his father and brothers are just plain embarrassed. He slinks away from the bar, head hanging. That’s me, no not slinking away from bars, but wading through life feeling less than.
There have only been a few times that I can recall feeling that I’ve made my parents proud. I was first runner up in my high school beauty pageant, and they were proud. I sang at a few events in college; they came to show support, and they were proud. However, that approval really didn’t come too often. I can remember as a child showing my father my report card with the good grades and he’d say “That’s what you’re supposed to do.” So I was supposed to get good grades, that good report card wasn’t an accomplishment in his book.
Over the years I’ve carried those feelings of inadequacy right along with me. You know, I live my life without any unusual drama. I’m kind hearted. I do my best to be a good daughter. My husband and I have raised a wonderful son who makes me proud everyday. It just isn’t good enough. I’ve never asked my parents for anything, or been a burden on them. Dad used to say ‘You make your bed hard, you lie in it.” I’ve lived by that credo. I’ve worked through my problems by myself, and accepted the consequences of my decisions, good or bad. Yet, it seems that my folks have never been pleased with me. My father is not the kind of dad who gives encouragement. He was emotionally absent from my life despite the fact that he was always there physically. Needless to say, I was never Daddy’s little girl. Some say that I’ve spent a good deal of my life trying to get the love he never gave me…perhaps. (That however, is another blog topic) I guess I've always thought it important to get approval from both parents. Sometimes though, because I tell my mother more, she feels most comfortable weighing in on my decisions.
My mom is a very strong and opinionated person, and for some reason, I always run important decisions by her. It isn’t that I want her to tell me what to do; I guess once again, that I’m just looking for approval. Believe it or not I’m actually very strong willed and I make pretty good decisions. It’s just that when my mom poo poos my actions, I take it to heart. She makes me second guess myself and my actions, and that always bothers me. I should respect her opinion and move on, but I don’t. I get angry at myself for allowing her opinion to matter so much. We know each other so well that I can tell just by the tone in her voice that she disapproves. The two of us are very different.
She is a homebody who enjoys gardening and taking care of her two dogs and three cats. Her social time revolves around her church. I am actually an extrovert who enjoys new experiences, and going out with friends from time to time. She shuns that. If I tell her that I’m going out to visit with a girlfriend. I hear the hesitation as she says Un huh….When does the child in me go away so that the fifty two year old woman will take over and not waste valuable emotional time feeling inadequate.
Am I alone here? I know that many adult children share my dilemma. I’m working on not letting my folks get to me. It’s my conscience, it nags at me when I‘m doing something that I think my mother wouldn’t approve of. I know it’s my insecurity. I guess that’s my problem huh? Tell me how you feel, comment at the bottom of this blog. Well, it’s three am and I think it’s time to hit the sack. Oh and don’t tell my mom that I was up late writing this blog. She thinks that this is a waste of time, because I’m not getting paid for it. Doesn’t matter though, that’s her opinion, I’m a grown woman and, and… yeah that’s right ! Cya soon.
I guess the problem is that I’m fifty two, and I still feel that pleasing my parents is important. It’s funny; I talked to my sisters and asked them if they feel the same way. It stands to reason that they would because we all grew up in the same family. Yet, they said that they respect our parents, but are not concerned about pleasing them. I’m the oldest child, so somehow this need to please is ingrained in my psyche. Perhaps my parents emphasized those things more with me. Be a good girl, be a good girl, be a good girl. I’ve always wanted so much to be a good girl!
Who doesn’t want to make their parents proud? One of my favorite silly movies is Zoolander. There is a scene in the movie where the main character, Derek Zoolander, a male model, wants to reconnect with his family. His father and brothers are coal miners, manly men. While drinking in a bar after a long day in the mine, they are watching tv when a commercial airs with Derek as a Merman. Others in the bar are laughing and pointing; his father and brothers are just plain embarrassed. He slinks away from the bar, head hanging. That’s me, no not slinking away from bars, but wading through life feeling less than.
There have only been a few times that I can recall feeling that I’ve made my parents proud. I was first runner up in my high school beauty pageant, and they were proud. I sang at a few events in college; they came to show support, and they were proud. However, that approval really didn’t come too often. I can remember as a child showing my father my report card with the good grades and he’d say “That’s what you’re supposed to do.” So I was supposed to get good grades, that good report card wasn’t an accomplishment in his book.
Over the years I’ve carried those feelings of inadequacy right along with me. You know, I live my life without any unusual drama. I’m kind hearted. I do my best to be a good daughter. My husband and I have raised a wonderful son who makes me proud everyday. It just isn’t good enough. I’ve never asked my parents for anything, or been a burden on them. Dad used to say ‘You make your bed hard, you lie in it.” I’ve lived by that credo. I’ve worked through my problems by myself, and accepted the consequences of my decisions, good or bad. Yet, it seems that my folks have never been pleased with me. My father is not the kind of dad who gives encouragement. He was emotionally absent from my life despite the fact that he was always there physically. Needless to say, I was never Daddy’s little girl. Some say that I’ve spent a good deal of my life trying to get the love he never gave me…perhaps. (That however, is another blog topic) I guess I've always thought it important to get approval from both parents. Sometimes though, because I tell my mother more, she feels most comfortable weighing in on my decisions.
My mom is a very strong and opinionated person, and for some reason, I always run important decisions by her. It isn’t that I want her to tell me what to do; I guess once again, that I’m just looking for approval. Believe it or not I’m actually very strong willed and I make pretty good decisions. It’s just that when my mom poo poos my actions, I take it to heart. She makes me second guess myself and my actions, and that always bothers me. I should respect her opinion and move on, but I don’t. I get angry at myself for allowing her opinion to matter so much. We know each other so well that I can tell just by the tone in her voice that she disapproves. The two of us are very different.
She is a homebody who enjoys gardening and taking care of her two dogs and three cats. Her social time revolves around her church. I am actually an extrovert who enjoys new experiences, and going out with friends from time to time. She shuns that. If I tell her that I’m going out to visit with a girlfriend. I hear the hesitation as she says Un huh….When does the child in me go away so that the fifty two year old woman will take over and not waste valuable emotional time feeling inadequate.
Am I alone here? I know that many adult children share my dilemma. I’m working on not letting my folks get to me. It’s my conscience, it nags at me when I‘m doing something that I think my mother wouldn’t approve of. I know it’s my insecurity. I guess that’s my problem huh? Tell me how you feel, comment at the bottom of this blog. Well, it’s three am and I think it’s time to hit the sack. Oh and don’t tell my mom that I was up late writing this blog. She thinks that this is a waste of time, because I’m not getting paid for it. Doesn’t matter though, that’s her opinion, I’m a grown woman and, and… yeah that’s right ! Cya soon.
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