Hello friends, how is everybody? Last weekend I was out of town on Holiday in Northern Va., and I had a great time. I visited with a good friend and spent an enjoyable time with my sister and her son. My sister has a lovely home, and it’s very comfortable. The only problem that I have with it is the fact that her security system is not currently activated. Her house is three levels, and I always jokingly tell her that someone could live in the lower level and she’d never know. One night while there I thought I heard a noise, turned out to be the neighbors, but it scared me. I guess that I watch too many police dramas where home invasions are not the exception but the rule. So this week I thought that I’d talk about my fear and what it is that scares me.
When I was a little girl my family and I sometimes went up to the mountains for the day. We lived in the Piedmont (foothills) of Virginia and the mountains were close by. I remember my father driving up those winding roads, up, up, up until we got to our destination. It was an overlook with a stone wall where one could see out over the valley. They stopped the car and everyone got out, except me. “Come on Trena” they said “look, look at how pretty it is! Come on Trena.” “No, I don’t want to, I’m scared,” I cried. Soon after that I was bent over pulling backwards as my father pulled me forward. I can recall looking down at my white ruffled socks and patent leather Mary Janes as daddy pulled me out of the car. After he pulled me out of the car, I stood up and tearfully looked around. I relaxed as I looked around and smiled. It was alright.
For some strange reason I’d had a notion that there was a steep drop off at the top of the mountain, and that I was doomed to fall off into an abyss. I’d like to tell you that after that I was alright with mountain trips. Sorry, to this day, I am still afraid of heights. I’m scared of being “up high.” I really do have a fear of heights. Was I born with it? I don’t know, and I’m not going sky diving to face my fear. If the situation occurs where I must face this fear or die, then I imagine I’ll face the fear. Until then I’m ok with not riding Ferris Wheels and staying away from mountain climbing. I’m just saying, I’m scared but this fear really doesn’t affect my quality of life. It’s alright to be scared sometimes…. right?
You know I’ve never been a risk taker. Perhaps I think that being high up is risky because I could fall. Maybe that’s where my fear begins. Perhaps, risk is the true cause of my fears. I didn’t actually drive until I was 37 years old. I had my license because I knew that it would come in handy one day. But I didn’t drive because my father had put the fear in me. When I was younger I can remember hearing him say “Don’t ride with other folks, you can get in an accident and get killed!” His words stuck with me, for years I was afraid to drive. I was scared to get behind the wheel for fear of dying in an accident. Hmmm risk again, but even deeper than that, the risk, the fear, of death.
When I think about my deepest fears, the culmination of them all is death. I’m scared that I’ll die if I fall from the mountain. I was afraid of driving because I could have an accident and be killed. (I drive now, have had a few accidents, but I’m still here, TYJ!)
I even have panic attacks sometimes that come about as a result of my fear of dying. Really, when you think about your biggest fears don’t they ultimately involve someone’s mortality in some way? Every time we worry about the whereabouts of a loved one, really aren’t we worried about them being taken away from us? Is it just me? I hope not. It’s just that we don’t talk about our fears. We bare the burden of them in silence.
I guess that when one reveals his or her fears that person is also revealing vulnerabilities. Fear leaves us raw and open to attack. Yet we all have our fears. Maybe we’re all just scared little boys and girls putting up a good front because we’re adults now, and we shouldn’t be scared. Shouldn’t be, but can’t help it. Life is scary because it is finite, and that’s just hard for us to wrap our human minds around. When I’ve had these discussions about fear with my mother, she ultimately tells me that my peace hinges on my belief in God, and the life that he promises all Christians if they believe and live life accordingly. I believe, I believe, but I am a mere mortal. Sometimes mortals get scared. Well, at least I do. I’m working through these emotions, it’s a tedious process, but I’m hopeful….
Wow, I hope that I haven’t gotten too deep with you. I didn’t want to bum you out. It‘s just that sometimes I want to know that I’m not the only one. After all, this blog place of mine is supposed to be a “comfortable place where we can share.” Remember? There are so many people in the world walking around with questions, hang ups, and fears. Talking about them may not make them go away. However, sometimes the distraction of conversation can be good. Dr. Phil anyone?
Well, that’s it for now. I could go on, but maybe some other time. Again, I hope that this topic hasn’t left you sad or in a funk. I’m just sharing, and I tell you that no matter what fears you carry, you should enjoy your life. Rely on God and the people who love you. Drink in the laughter and feed off of the love. Peace Out my friends……
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